Washington, D.C. — In what experts are calling either the sloppiest assassination threat in history or the most embarrassing case of Trump Derangement Syndrome yet documented, former FBI Director James Comey took to social media this week to share a cryptic image featuring the numbers “86” and “47” formed from seashells. Shockingly, some alarmists and conspiracy theorists have interpreted it as a veiled assassination threat against President Donald Trump.
Despite the fact that literally everyone on Earth—from mob bosses and short-order cooks to hedge fund managers, nannies, baristas, to your uncle who won’t shut up about The Godfather—knows that “86” is mob shorthand for “eliminate someone” (as in: take ’em 8 miles out and bury ’em 6 feet deep), top analysts (plus a guy on Twitter with a dolphin avatar and suspiciously strong opinions about Olive Garden) have assured the public that it’s far more likely James Comey—yes, the man who once ran the entire FBI—had no idea what it meant.
I mean, come on. Expecting the former director of the nation’s most powerful law enforcement agency to recognize the most basic piece of organized crime slang used in every mob movie since the dawn of VCRs?
That’s just unfair.
“We can’t expect the former head of the FBI to understand obscure criminal lingo like ’86,'” scoffed Harvard Law professor Dr. Vincent “The Spoon” Marconi, while polishing his Goodfellas Blu-ray. “Sure, it’s only the most basic mob slang since ‘fuhgeddaboudit,’ and yes, the FBI has entire divisions dedicated to organized crime, but Comey was clearly too busy trying to frame Trump to bother with such trivialities.”
Others rushed to Comey’s defense with even more imaginative theories. “Maybe ‘86 47’ is just the number of Trump’s cholesterol spikes,” suggested political commentator and amateur numerologist Chip Butterworth. “It probably means Trump has eaten 8,647 hamburgers since leaving office. The man has a documented addiction to fast food and golf carts — both high in saturated fat.” Butterworth then excused himself to polish his commemorative Mueller action figure.
Professor Milton Wafflesby, head of Columbia University’s prestigious Department of Making Up Narratives, dismissed concerns entirely. “Oh please,” Wafflesby scoffed while swirling a soy latte and adjusting his Che Guevara lapel pin. “Everyone knows ‘86’ is just the temperature at Mar-a-Lago when the AC breaks down during a climate change fundraiser Trump’s pretending to care about.”
Wafflesby concluded his remarks by proposing that “47” was a subtle reference to the number of Diet Cokes Trump allegedly consumes per day, or possibly the number of IQ points separating Comey from fundamental self-awareness.
Shortly after the “86 47” image went viral, Comey posted a follow-up image: a single pineapple sitting ominously on a folding chair with the caption, “Justice is ripening.” Experts are divided on whether this is a coded threat to have Trump “taken care of” in a tropical location, an invitation to a luau, or maybe Comey just likes fruit.
The next day, Comey was spotted buying 47 copies of his own book while muttering “86 the orange menace” under his breath — which his publicist insists was just him ordering a salad with no cheddar cheese at a DC diner.
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Oh, obviously this article is pure satire—unless you actually think Comey had no clue what he was doing, in which case, bless your heart and please seek help. 🙂
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